An apology

Ditch days

c.2007

(Written March 2011)

Mom,

Late last year when you had the sudden urge to eat at Clifton’s Cafeteria, I thought it was really strange. I remember going there several times when I was little but I didn’t remember the food being anything special. My memories attached to that place are associated with a specific court case when I was 8.  That’s where we ate right after the trial and I don't remember enjoying it after that day.

When I asked why you suddenly wanted to go back, you shared something I never heard before. Your first meal when you came to this country was at Clifton’s Cafeteria. That was actually really cool to learn. But for some reason (my own selfish reasons) I kept putting off our lunch date at Clifton’s. To tell you the truth, there were too many other places I wanted to take you to eat instead. I tried my best to keep our bi-monthly lunch dates. But in the end, I let my own bad memories associated with Clifton’s deprive you of your own nostalgia.

When your neurological exam was finally scheduled for Friday March 25^th, I was happy for many reasons. Not only was I thrilled that you were prepared to take the necessary steps to tackle this brain tumor, but I was also looking forward to our ditch day. We were finally going to eat at Clifton’s and then go to the L.A. Zoo, like you’d been wanting for some time. That was the plan.

My heart stopped for a moment when I saw you lose consciousness the night of the 11^th. On the way to the hospital, I didn’t want to believe that this was all unraveling two weeks before your scheduled exam, and before our ditch day. As the days passed, I became anxious, especially when I learned of the possibility of multiple procedures. I wanted you to come home for a while before going back to the hospital. When the first procedure didn’t go as planned, I couldn’t wait for you to wake up. The danger was becoming too real. I shared my fears with my close friends and I couldn’t wait to promise you we’d be going to Clifton’s the moment you got out of there. My worst fears were confirmed when I was informed you were rushed to a second emergency procedure and you were never going to wake up. From one day to the next, I never thought my last words to you would be just that. Last words.

 I’m so sorry I kept putting off your simple requests…a meal at Clifton’s being the most recent one. That will always haunt me every time I walk by the corner of 7^{th  &} Broadway. Of course there are a million other things I would’ve done differently. I honestly assumed we had more time. Everyday I wish we had more time.